I thought it was funny, but that was before I realized it was hitting a little too close to home. I found out yesterday that my lectureship "fallback" plan for all the pie-in-the-sky fellowships I'd applied for and didn't get wasn't so hot a fallback after all, in that I did not receive the position. And somehow I was so impatient to finish this month (and not drag it out into the summer, the fall, the December deadline as so many of my colleagues were doing), that I neglected to realize that maybe you shouldn't give up the rope you're swinging from until you can see the next one. People tried to warn me. Everyone kept asking "so what's next?" -- the first follow-up question every time I told someone that I had finished my dissertation. I felt like the kid who just graduated from high school and faced endless pestering from grown-ups about what his major will be in college. But maybe I should have heeded those warnings-- I could have gotten another year of support from my teaching fellowship this year, a cushy NSF stipend, health benefits, and access to the libraries while I try to get the papers from my dissertation published. Now I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I just re-read my dissertation with the distance and perspective that two weeks of playing with your 17-month-old will give you and I thought to myself, this is pretty darn good, I should be proud of myself. Nothing like a rejection email from something you think you're a shoe-in for to burst that bubble.
My mom bought me a book called "Mama, PhD" for graduation. I am quite sure that she had not read it, and that if she had, she would not have given it to me, because it is packed full of about 30 different women's testimonies for why motherhood and academia don't mix. I don't think that was the message my mother was trying to send me on my graduation day. These women complain about the choices they are forced to make, between spending time with their kids and feeling guilty about the work they're not getting done and spending time at work and feeling guilty about missing out on their kids growing up-- but, oh! To be so lucky to have a choice! None of these women's stories were about trying to find a job in the super-saturated academic job market, and simply failing to find one. I guess that wouldn't make a very poignant story. "I was torn between my children and my career, but then couldn't get a job... so that was easy!"
Hmm. This is not intended to make you feel sorry for me. On the contrary, I am merely trying to find an angle from which to approach this such that I can see the humor in it. Isn't it ironic, that after years of grad school, wrestling with whether I wanted to stay in academia, whether it would allow me to lead a full and balanced life, and then finally deciding to give it a go, academia decided it didn't want me? Alanis Morisette should've written a song about that.
13 comments:
well, as my dad used to say...good things come to those who wait...and I would say you are in a waiting period right now, so hang in there and see what comes.
no, I didn't read the book I gave you, but I did read the reviews, and I thought they hinted at something very apropos for you: http://www.mamaphd.com/reviews/
sorry to have been the cause of despair instead of enlightenment.
P.S. I like the new blog look.
no no, no despair. but I don't think the person that wrote that review read the same book as me. :)
actually, it is a very well written book (written by a bunch of english phds). that's why I couldn't put it down. but damn if it doesn't paint academia as a hostile place to be a young mother.
also- thank you for a very nice gift. I didn't mean to seem ungrateful. it has given me a lot to think about
B!! I am sorry to hear that your lectureship fell through... that is a real downer. I am crossing all my fingers and toes for something else to come along for you... Also: on motherhood and academia. it seems like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation - facilitated by the tendency of women to feel like they have to be the best mother AND the best academician they can be. For what it's worth, my mom always said that she never feels able to give anybody else advice on the issue because you just have to do the best you can and it's so individual that there's no one answer.
Another follow-up: I have learned over the years as a grad student/med student NOT to EVER attend the so-called 'balancing work-life' panels that occasionally crop up at program retreats or as lunchtime lectures. Invariably the female panelists have only depressing commentaries on how difficult everything is, and the male panelists don't seem to be able to comment on balancing work and life at all. Maybe I will similarly avoid books written on the subject. Or is that just burying my head in the sand?
To Julia: I think burying your head in the sand sounds like a very appropriate and helpful coping mechanism for the strenuous work environments you and Becky seem to place yourselves in. :)
To Becky: I'm sorry you didn't get the fall-back job. You're too good for them anyway. You'll find something that's perfect for you and you will never look back.
P.S. Does that mean that you get to come to Minnesota in August now?
One more thing:
If you want to feel better about your rejection, try this one on for size:
I just spent about 10 hours preparing for, shooting, editing, making slideshows, and burning images I had photographed for two different families (for free), and although I by no means consider myself a professional, I still expected to hear back from them after I mailed off the images. Nope. Not a word. Not a "thank you, we like them", "thank you we hate them", "thank you, you suck at this", or even a "wow, what the hell were you smoking when you took these." Nothing. I know they got them, they just don't want to admit it. How's THAT for rejection. I'm trying really really really hard to be objective and figure out what I did wrong, but it's hard not to take it personally.
So, don't feel bad. At least nobody told you your dissetation sucked. (Because it didn't).
Sigh.
Ingrates! I think you definitely need to start charging for your services. You have enough of a portfolio to show off--I know plenty of people here that would pay for the kind of work you do. I wouldn't say their lack of response indicates them not liking the photos so much as them apparently not having any manners. What happened to minnesota polite?
Also, yes! Travel this summer just got a lot easier!
And to Julia: I agree completely about the panels. I should know better by now than to read books that have anything to do with parenting because they only make me worry. But I am such an incorrigible student, I can't not read books about something I'm wondering about...!
To Julia: you mom is so right -- every situation is unique, as is every couple in the solution they find to their challenges. I wish you weren't so far away --
To Alison: you are so right also -- Becky is too good for them, and there is something better around the corner.
I think Becky is right on here -- when you do things for free, people take you for granted. When you charge for your services, they take you seriously, but then again, they might expect more as well and drive you crazy with requests for "re-dos". So -- decide which kind of "customer" you want.
Hey Becky -- your post has certainly inspired a lot of conversation.
Hey Becky: Forgive me as I am a little behind in reading your blog, so does this mean you have graduated and your dissertation was accepted and you have graduated? Congratulations!! I am sorry about the failure of your follow-up position but I'm sure you will find something. Great news and I'm very happy for you.
Becky:
Some wise person once said, "When God closes a door he opens a window." I think your window is open, and you will find it. You may feel a rush to get a job or whatever, but look at it this way: you have the most important job in the world right now (being a mother to Jack), no real time pressures, a husband with an income, so take a breath and enjoy the here and now. The future will take care of itself. I know you have a bright one in store for you.
Post a Comment