I don't know how my sister manages daily blog posts when she's sick and pregnant and has three kids running around and they're sick too, while I can't even get it together to post on the rare occasions that I have something worth sharing about my one healthy baby. I would like to blame it on friends who have yet to deliver on promises to send me photos they took of Jack while he was doing something cute (swinging in a hammock, trying to hold hands with another baby on his first real play-date), but then, I guess it was really my fault for not having the camera along in the first place, so I've got no excuse. I'm putting in 6-hour work weeks at this point and somehow I can't find the time to record more of my baby's first months in the other 32 - 42 hours that most other people are in some way productive during the week. Where is the time going? What am I doing? Even my journal can't help me out here because I haven't been writing in it.
One thing I can say is that Jack is becoming less and less tolerant of mommy spending time on the computer. Used to be I could sneak in a few hours in the morning while he looked on in his bouncy chair, but he's discovering his world now and deciding that watching someone stare silently and expressionlessly at an inanimate screen is not very interesting. So I try to hold him in different positions while dangling various colorful (non-plastic) objects in front of him, any of which works for a few minutes until he catches on to the fact that mommy's attention is still somewhere else and announces his dissatisfaction increasingly emphatically until mommy, not having actually gotten anything done during this time anyway, finally gives up and takes him for a walk. Then he falls asleep on the walk and mommy thinks maybe she can get sneak in and get something done while he's still napping, but as soon as she sits down, he wakes up. Try to feed him, he's not hungry, change him, he's indifferent, play with him, his attention span grows shorter and shorter with each new thing, go for a walk again and start the cycle over. So yeah, maybe that's where the time goes.
I'm being melodramatic, of course, it's not always like that. But today was. I'm actually writing this from my mobile device on my second walk of the day. Isn't that horribly tedious, you ask? Using that little tiny keyboard to type so much? Now you are beginning to understand my mental state. And meanwhile, there's this nagging insecurity, always questioning myself "Am I providing enough stimulation? Too much? Does he really need to eat but is just too hungry to eat well? Does he really need to sleep but is overtired? Am I giving him enough tummy time? Enough stimulation? Too much?..." I now understand the moms who put their kid in daycare and say "they probably do a better job than I could do anyway." I always thought that was a superficial rationalization until now. It's suddenly very easy to believe that someone else could do a better job raising my child. But I'm who you've got, babe! So we're just going to have to figure it out together.
Walk is over. Back is hurting. Time to go inside. And, just as predicted, Jack is waking up! Here we go again!
3 comments:
I just wanted to follow up on this because upon further reflection I sound more whiny than I meant to. I am not unhappy, I am not depressed, I am not struggling, I don't even feel like I'm having a particularly bad day. I was just trying to convey the surprising and somewhat amusing experience of discovering that you're no longer in control. (Not that I have been for the past four months... it's just catching up to me now.) So don't anybody worry about me. Next time I will make sure to post something happy so it doesn't seem like I'm always complaining. Complaints account for approximately 0.5% of the experience and it's not fair that it takes up such a disproportionate amount of blogging space. It's like the friend that always complains about her boyfriend so you think she's in a totally crappy relationship but really she's just not telling you any of the good stuff because when it's good she's too busy enjoying it. /End long-winded self-indulgent comment.
1. Sister does NOT post every day. Many times she posts multiple times in one day to make up for the three days she did not post.
2. Sister does NOT have a three month old baby right now - they are very high maintenance.
3. Sister has never had a baby and a blog at the same time. The blog started when last baby was 18 months old.
4. NOBODY can get anything done with a three month old in the house. That's normal and to be expected.
5. The first year of a baby's life (especially a FIRST baby) is a blur for EVERYONE. If ANYONE tells you different they are either lying or far to perfect to even associate with.
6. Most new parents have a tendency to feel like they have to entertain their baby a lot because most new parents don't like to hear their baby fuss when they're bored. You'll get used to the fussing and eventually be able to get things done even though Jack wants you to entertain him.
7. The uncertaintly of motherhood - (ex: am I doing the right thing?)NORMAL. We all question ourselves - all day - every day - about almost everything. Follow your heart, don't listen to negative people, and enjoy your baby.
This is only one of the reasons those wise people say "parenting is not for wimps". You can do it. And don't ever compare yourself to other parents - even your sister. Everyone has their own challenges to face and they're not comparable.
Love,
Sister
P.S. And this kills me - the spam word verification actually wants me to type in: "supermo"
Weird!!! How did it know my nickname? (Just kidding)
for what it's worth, I wasn't a bit worried when I read this. I chuckled, because it sounded wry and exasperated, not sad and unhappy. You hardly spend any time at ALL on this blog complaining! I was beginning to believe that somehow you were immune to normal human stressors. Believe me, I was developing an inferiority complex because I am SURE when I have an infant for the first time that I am going to be very whiny. I only hope I have somebody as supportive as Alison to encourage me!
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